CHAPTER 44: Becoming the me I want to be – Improving my self esteem

I came across this amazing article online: I have decided enough is enough. I want to be the me I am supposed to be. I struggle with my awkwardness and my lack of confidence is ruining my life. I can believe In everyone elses dreams and yes I work towards achieving my dreams. But honestly, i never feel good enough, Pretty enough, wanted enough.

I want to be in a relationship! I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP…. but after months of no dates, interest, and people always asking me why are you not with someone I question who I am and I feel like something Is wrong with me. (Ok I felt that for ages). Why is it the people choose others over me? Well today that has to stop. I am BEAUTIFUL, I AM ATTRACTIVE, I AM FUN, I AM AN AMAZING PERSON! (I say it loud but deep down inside I wonder if this is true). So I started to do some research about Self-esteem and building my confidence and I cam across this so yeah here it is I hope this help someone. My next blog is my list of 50 amazing things about myself…. TITLED: “CHAPTER 45:  God does not create rubbish – The Amazingness of me in 50 points”

SELF-ESTEEM

Written by Christine Webber, health writer, broadcaster and psychotherapist

The word ‘esteem’ comes from a Latin word that means ‘to estimate’. So, self-esteem is how you estimate, or regard, yourself. And how do you estimate, or regard, yourself?

Try asking yourself these questions.

• Do I like myself?
• Do I think I’m a good human being?
• Am I someone deserving of love?
• Do I deserve happiness?
• Do I feel deep down that I’m an OK person?

People with low self-esteem find it hard to answer yes to all or most of the above. Perhaps you are one of them. If so, what can you do?

Remember – you’re uniquely special!

A good way to start improving your self-esteem is to acknowledge that you are special – because there’s no one else quite like you. Not only are your fingerprints and DNA different from everyone else’s (unless you have an identical twin), but your mind, and how it thinks and operates, is totally your own.

This means that out of almost 7 billion people in the world, you are a one-off. So if nature has bothered to make you unique, don’t you feel you should accept that you’re important and also that you have as much right as anyone else to be on this planet? You have other rights, too. One of them is the right to make mistakes. Don’t forget that ‘to err is human’ – and most of us learn through getting things wrong before we get them right. Furthermore, we have the right to respect ourselves – and to be respected. And, perhaps most importantly of all, we have the right to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ for ourselves.

Put behaviour in perspective

Unfortunately, lots of people with poor self-esteem really beat themselves up whenever they make a mistake or error of judgement.

They feel that they are ‘no good’ because they fail an exam, lose a job or because they’re having an affair or have been dumped.

But such events – and how we behave about them and deal with them – are just a tiny part of who we are. And it’s important to remember that.

It might help too to take on board that individuals with healthy self-esteem don’t define themselves by their occasional failures or denigrate their whole beings when things don’t go right. Their regard for themselves is based on a bigger picture.

So, if you are prone to deep despair at some aspect of yourself, try telling yourself that it’s just a tiny fragment of the multiple layers and components that make up the real you. And try not to condemn the whole of your being when you make a mistake or do something you’re not too proud of.

Halt destructive thoughts

Many people with poor self-esteem think they’re not very important and that their views carry no weight. Is this you? If so, try to stop these destructive thoughts because if you go around believing them, you’ll encourage other people to believe them too. Instead, start thinking of yourself as someone who has rights, opinions and ideas that are just as valid as those of anyone else. This will help you to improve your self-esteem.

Techniques to improve self-esteem

10-minute technique

People with poor self-esteem often fail to give themselves enough time and space. So find 10 minutes every day to be alone and to just sit and do nothing.

Some people find it helpful to close their eyes and imagine a country scene or the sight and sound of waves gently lapping against the shore.

During this 10 minutes, allow yourself to feel peaceful and happy. Enjoy this time. It is yours – and yours alone.

Accentuate the positive

Often we make ourselves unhappy because we go over and over mistakes we have made. But we can improve our self-esteem if we re-think the things we believe we have done wrong or badly.

For example, one of my clients has to give presentations at work. He used to be very critical of his performance and would lose sleep afterwards over the tiniest of errors.

But now, he writes an account of each presentation shortly after he’s given it and only writes about the things that went well.

He doesn’t need to write about the bad things – they will stick in his memory and he will try hard not to repeat them – but he will forget the good things unless he writes them down.

So when you have a horrible day, or something goes wrong in your relationship or at work, write an account of what went right with that episode, not what went wrong. The results will surprise you – and improve how you see yourself.

List 50 things you like about yourself

If you’re seriously lacking in self-esteem, you probably find it hard to think positively about you.

So, try this exercise: write a list of 50 things that you like and admire about yourself. This could take weeks, but persevere!

• You can write down your characteristics.
• You can include things about your looks.
• You can even write about the things you do. For example, you may buy a copy of the Big Issue on a day when you’re short of money, or you may help an elderly woman in the supermarket when you’re rushing to get your own shopping done.

When you have reached your 50 good things, write them down again on small pieces of card that you can carry with you at all times.

You can probably squeeze in 5 points on each card, so that you’ll have 10 cards when you’re finished.

Then, twice a day, shuffle the cards – so that you can view your good points in a fresh order – and then read them.

If you do this every day, you will start to accept your own goodness and worth.

And if you have a difficult task ahead – like a new date, or a job interview – always read your cards one extra time just before your challenge. This will help you to be more relaxed and optimistic.

Getting and giving criticism

One of the areas that people with low self-esteem have greatest difficulty with is criticism – giving as well as receiving it. Both can be extraordinarily difficult.

How to deal with criticism

Often when we’re criticised, we’re so hurt that we start excusing ourselves and rebutting what’s being said without really listening to it.

This doesn’t help us. So here are some hints and tips about dealing with criticism.

• Listen to criticism without interrupting.
• Next, if there are aspects to the criticism that are valid, begin by agreeing with those points.
• If parts are unclear, ask for clarification.
• If you realise you were wrong, say so and apologise.
• If criticism is wrong or unfair, smile and say: ‘I’m afraid I don’t agree with you’.

How to give criticism

People with poor-self esteem find it just as hard to dish out criticism as they do to receive it. In fact, many such individuals avoid promotion because they can’t face the prospect of being in authority and having to criticise others.

So how can you learn to criticise when you have to?

• Keep calm.
• Make your criticism at an appropriate time. Don’t wait until you’re so fed up that you’re furious. If you do, – you’re bound to make a mess of it.
• Take deep breaths, then try a technique called the ‘criticism sandwich’. This means you say something nice, then insert the criticism, then end with another positive comment.
• An example would be: ‘Your work is usually great, but it’s not quite right today. So, I’ll have to ask you to re-do that report. But I bet this time you’ll do it brilliantly.

Say ‘I’ not ‘you’

You might notice that people, who are fair when they criticise, tend to use the word ‘I’ rather than the word ‘you.’ This is because the word ‘I’ shows you’re in control and that you’ve thought about what you’re saying.

You might say: ‘I don’t think you are behaving well today.’ Or: ‘I fear that I haven’t made that clear enough because I don’t think I’m carrying you with me on this point.’ Or: ‘I think this work isn’t up to the standard I normally get from you.’

All too frequently we don’t say anything initially, which is when we should address the problem. Instead, we bottle it up until we explode. Then we use the words ‘you’, ‘you’re’ and ‘your’ all the time.

We say: ‘You’re incompetent’, ‘you’ve stupid’, ‘your work isn’t up to scratch.’ Or even: ‘You make me sick!’ These phrases sound angry and accusatory. They also indicate that we’re not in control. And after uttering them, we generally feel worse about ourselves, and our self-esteem can plummet.

A final note…

Having poor self-esteem can really make our lives and our work and our relationships so much more difficult than they need to be.

So, if you have low self-esteem, I hope that this article will help you to improve it.

Because once you have more positive regard for yourself, you’ll find that everything in your existence will run much more smoothly than it does at the moment.

Useful books

There are many books that can help you with issues of poor self-esteem. Below are just a few of them.

• Overcoming Low Self-esteem by Melanie Fennell, published by Constable/Robinson.
• Mind Over Mood by Greenberger and Padesky, published by Guilford Press.
• Life Coaching – a Cognitive-Behavioural Approach by Michael Neenan and Windy Dryden, published by Brunner-Routledge.
• Gael Lindenfield’s Self-Esteem Bible: Build Your Confidence Day by Day’ by Gael Lindenfield, published by Element Books.
• How to Accept Yourself by Windy Dryden, published by Sheldon Books.

 

CHAPTER 42: Just a few videos

Happy New Year Yall!

I hope you have an amazing year! sorry my well wishes are late.

I have nothing much to say but I just want to post these two videos they spoke to me and made me feel hopeful… Hope they inspire you too.

Shut up…
Shut up…

And
Give Love…
http://youtu.be/m0RLmYg58P4

CHAPTER 41: When God Speaks – AGAIN

God spoke again!!!

I had a good bad day yesterday and a performance I was working on didnt go as well as I planned especially as it was such an important performance. I left deflated and like I had let down a lot of the team down by my lack of confidence, my lack of being assertive, and just felt like a failure.
I began to really question
who I am, why I am doing something. I totally love but I am no good at it. Why are people always giving me “constructive feedback” why can’t I just be good at one thing? Like exceptional at one particular thing instead I am mediocre at lots of things.

Basically My spirit was flat flat flat I have been wondering why I have so little success dating I mean guys are magnetised away from me! And I started to see my lack of confidence, eye contact and started to see how miserable I was, ugly, a walkover, no confidence pointless person.
I wondered what is my purpose here God and I answered the question myself…. I have no purpose if I went no-one would miss me. I don’t really have a proper bear friend anymore my friend Jada has her man and he said some stuff about me which really hurts, he said “that i have a foolish spirit” I havent told her how much that hurt but i have decided to just be alone in my own company not a burden to anyone. To Jada I am her “foolish” best friend

I had some cashflow problems and my parents helped me out and now my sister is not really talking to me as “I should be more responsible” and I just feel like a burden on them the failed daughter who is a dreamer. Has her own business but it’s a dreaming business, I need to get my head out of the clouds and just have a responsible 9-5 job like “normal people”. – To my family I am the irresponsible dreamer who should have stayed in the career I had before. I am a burden.

So I have no-one to really talk to anymore. All my other friends are not so close to me anymore.

On this performance I listened to the task and tried to do what would make people happy and it didnt work out BUT when I am myself, and express what “I” think things don’t work out either, the Mr Super-Duper telling him what I felt is a primary example of this or other things people just laugh at my ideas.

All I can see is what is the purpose I just cause people stress and hassle I don’t fit in I am not cut throat I am soft walk over people take advantage of me and think I am weird. God what difference do I make to this world…. I couldn’t see anything at all.

I feel so lonely, so just like the odd person out who doesn’t fit in. Lets people down, is not good at anything but is always trying and dreaming… Too many dreams just be normal!!! The biggest thing i is to get married and have children year after year I never meet anyone, never go on dates, never get approached and I am getting older and older and it bothers me being the last one with no visible options in sight.

So I decided to write my suicide note. I was wondering do I write lots of different letters for lots of different people or just one one long Note with lots of sections. I also was deciding when to do it…Also where would my Flatmate live so I was mentally mapping out what to do and to make sure she was sorted as well. I was thinking about how I would do it. I can’t take pain (lol).

I decided to check my email and my daily devotion had come in so I decided to read it…. This is what it said…

14 Dec 2012
YOU’RE HERE FOR A REASON
‘…I have seen God face to face, yet my life has been spared.’ GENESIS 32:30
The Bible says satan works ‘day and night’ building a case against you (Revelations 12:10). But with God’s Word ‘…in your mouth and…heart…’ (Romans 10:8 NCV) you can overcome him. When satan says give up, God says stay the course (Matthew 5:11-12). When satan tells you to look out for number one, God says put the other guy first (Philippians 2:3-4). When satan says it’s okay to hold grudges, God says forgive as often as it takes (Matthew 6:14-15). When satan says get even, God says be a peacemaker (Romans 12:18-19). When satan tells you to take all the credit, God says glorify Jesus (John 17:5). When satan says clean up the outside and people won’t notice the inside, God says He looks at your heart (1Samuel 16:7). When satan says you’re ugly, God says you’re ‘…wonderfully made…’ (Psalm 139:14 NKJV). When satan says you’re alone and nobody understands you, God says He’ll never leave you and that He has plans for your life (Deuteronomy 31:6 and Jeremiah 29:11). David said, ‘I know you are pleased with me…you have not let my enemies triumph over me. You have preserved my life…’ (Psalm 41:11-12 NLT). The devil will play the race card, and if that doesn’t work he’ll try the childhood memories card, or he’ll dredge up your past sins and remind you of all the broken promises and dreams. Jacob said, ‘I have seen God face to face, yet my life has been spared.’ Bottom line: God has a plan for your life; otherwise you wouldn’t be here!

I cried inside when I think God sent this for ME! At the time I needed to hear it so plan is now averted/cancelled.

I do feel low but I am rememebering this devotion. So I’ll just keep going.

CHAPTER 40: When God Speaks

So my devotional today was just for me, I know God must be speaking to me when I get back to back signs and messages like this…. Hope it inspires you too.

Bitterness Hinders Hearing

Bitterness toward God is a sure hindrance to hearing His voice. Any-time bitterness tries to take hold of you, refuse it. Many times, the devil tries to make us think we are the only ones having a hard time. I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic, but no matter how bad our problems are, someone else always has a worse problem.

A woman worked for me whose husband walked out on her after thirty-nine years of marriage. He simply left her a note, and was gone. It was a tragedy for her! I was so proud of her when she came to me after a few weeks and said, “Joyce, please pray for me that I will not get mad at God. Satan is tempting me so severely to get mad at Him. I can’t get mad at God. He’s the only friend I have. I need Him!”

Bitterness was trying to take root in my friend’s heart because her life had not turned out the way she wanted it to. When we get hurt, we must realize that every person has a free will and we can’t control that free will – even through prayer. We can pray that God will speak to people who may hurt us; we can ask Him to lead them to do right instead of wrong, but the bottom line is that He must leave them to make their own choices. If someone makes a choice that hurts us, we shouldn’t blame it on God and become bitter toward Him.

God’s word for you today: If you get hurt, don’t ever blame God. He is the best friend you have.

CHAPTER 39: OK MAYBE I DON’T QUIT PUBLICLY

Ok hash words I take the I think I quit on Love back. I turned ony iTunes and this song came at the top of my playlist

“Speak into the atmosphere”

Then a few moments later I was speaking to someone and they reminded me (without knowing my thoughts) that we had fasted and prayed recently (around 4 weeks ago) about meeting Mr Right.

So OK OK OK God I am not properly quitting I just feel so desolate but I take back my quitting on love words.

CHAPTER 38: I miss you LOVE I QUIT!

I have had a busy few weeks, which have kept me out of trouble. This is the first free couple of hours I have had for ages. Work has been busy and loads of jobs come in. I like being busy it keeps my mind off things but the downside is I burn myself out and then I am forced to Stop. I am trying to keep busy to keep my mind off things and how I feel.

My Situation is not so bad, its just bad to me. There are people in worst situations than mine and I need to remember that. I have been anti-social I don’t really like being around people, I have to force myself to step out of that place. So I went away on a Hen weekend (aaaaarrrgh) as I am a bridesmaid. It wasnt that bad though I actually had a really good time and laughed so much! Which was a pleasant and welcome surprise and planning the weekend was another way to keep my mind and self busy.

BUT, and here is the big BUT everyday, everynight, throughout the day. I think about Mr Super-Duper. We haven’t spoken for a few weeks now. I thought it better that we don’t talk it’s to much for me and he is with someone (I just think its awkquard that we still try and be friends) its been like nearly 8 weeks and its still the same, is this some kind of demon?? WHY CAN”T I JUST NOT THINK ABOUT HIM! I MEAN LEAVE MY MIND ALREADY!!!

UNFORTUNATELY, I still miss him so much, when amazing stuff has happened over the Past few weeks I have tried to been able to express it to others but he is the only one who would get it and then ask me To evaluate it (lol). I miss his Laugh coz it makes me Laugh its one of those hearty real earthy laugh out loud from the belly big laughs. I miss it! I know he doesn’t care coz he hasn’t called me either he did text and say he has been thinking about me for weeks… whatever that means – I can’t see it as meaning anything. Anyway I decided to just pray for him. Whenever he comes to my mind I just pray for him. So there is a whole lot of Praying going on.

I dunno when this goes away, I want it too, so I can truly move on. I guess if I was meeting other guys than maybe. but i havent met anyone, been On zero Dates, so I just work harder hoping that makes it go away. I hope I don’t see him… But I daydream about how Its gonna be when we eventually see each other.

1) Should I run and hide?

2) Should I be civil but cold

3) Should I just act like nothing happened and that I didnt feel hurt

4) Do I just ignore him as though we where never friends nothing ever happened.

I have daydreamed all manner of scenarios and in each case its has become this Hollywood Production with soft music in the background. Mr Big style “Your the one” Kissing and all that. I am so silly! Such a Silly romantic. I am trying to lose that and be cold and aloof nowadays to protect myself from love I want it but I am actually scared of it so I keep myself busy and away from People. I don’t think I want to allow myself to be vulnerable to love anyone again in fact I don’t think I have it in me anymore. I want the Hollywood love but I don’t want anyone to get close to me I don’t want to go through this again and I don’t want to get hurt from loving the guys that don’t Love you. It alway happens this is like the 4th time in my life and its embarrassing, the questions about me and the unfixable, non-repairable damage to my self-esteem is just way to much for me to go through again.

SO AT 37 and a few months I think I QUIT! I don’t think I want to be in love, coz in my experience it never works out and going through this is so horrible I cant take the pain, the questions, the your not choosen feeling, uncomfortable embarrassed odd person waiting for nothing. I cant bear to join another dating site to meet no-one at all after a year of being on there. Being in love with the wrong Person wasting my quality Daydreaming time on dreaming about being a Mom and being a wife.

I just want to be content with my life (as I am), do a job i love and be around people I value and admire. I want to be an Eagle in my field of work and make more progress in completing my bucket list so that is what I am gonna focus on yeah its a work in Progress.

I am  changing the title of my blogs from this point on to

OUTCASTDIARIES: A NEW SEASON: A WOMAN ON A QUEST FOR GREATNESS, IN HER BUSINESS, CAREER AND LIFE

CHAPTER 37: The bridesmaid situation

Oh my I am gonna be a Bridesmaid!
Ok I feel honoured but I like 37. I actually feel embarrassed about it but I don’t think I can get out of it now. My very very Good friend is getting married and I said yes coz I didn’t want to upset her, but honestly I am not looking forward to the constant… “Don’t worry it will be your turn soon”, “She’s single try and fix her up with any man who is single by putting her on a table with all the single men”, the feeling sorry for you looks, the “He’s single”.

I am scared I am gonna be weeping and wailing when my friend walks down the aisle and her husband To be turns around and their eyes meet…. That gets me weepy everytime.

I am sure is can do this but I am gonna really have to build myself up and get ready for it.

SO WHAT OTHER THINGS BEEN GOING ON

Well I have had no dating success online I have had just one I mean it just one date in 12 months on the stupid site so I decided to leave it. I mean who does that happen too?? Trust me I tried sending loads of emails getting someone to review my profile check my pictures and still nothing.

No responses nothing… My self-esteem couldn’t take the ignored profile any longer so Good bye dating site.

So I have just thrown myself into work. work will be my husband!!!.